April 9, 2012

I went to see a new doctor today. I had several recommendations for this particular doctor from various friends and thought it was time. Everyone who struggles with infertility and goes to a fertility specialist says they wish they had gone sooner. So, I thought I better go. The first meeting went really well. I really like him. He actually has a sense of humor, which is refreshing when you’re dealing with something as serious and often sad, as infertility. It’s nice to take a load off and just talk and laugh. 

No exam today…just chatting about my history and my future. We talked about my somewhat irregular cycles, how I no longer have to track my basal temperature every morning (great news for me), what each of these scenarios can mean and lots more. He says we’ll test a few different areas, see what’s going on and figure out how to get me a baby. Sounds good to me, I thought. 

The front office staff was in tune with me and cheerful, which was a contrast to my last doctor’s office in Arkansas. Some other time I’ll write about the girl who I wanted to punch at the front desk. 

This new doctor had a fabulous nurse and kept the focus on getting me pregnant. So, we’re all here for the same goal. Check. Now on to the business. They want to see me again on the third day of my period. At that time, they’ll do an internal ultrasound and some blood work to see where I stand. Sounds gross, but sounds like action. And it’s time for that.

March 14, 2012

I hate buying tampons instead of pregnancy tests. It gets so old. Month after month.  I think part of it’s mental too. For the past two months I knew my tampon supply was running low. But, I refused to buy more because I kept telling myself I wouldn’t need them next month when I got pregnant. This month I finally had to break down and buy more tampons. 

I finally lost it with my sister and told her how I was truly feeling. There has been a lot going on lately. For one, last year we got a huge return on our taxes and this year not much changed for us in the way of status, but for some reason we ended up having to pay. That was a disappointment. In addition, we found a house we really like, but may not be able to afford with the money required for a down payment, closing costs, etc.

I am discouraged. And I do not feel well. I’m also discouraged that I’m still not pregnant. I realized I won’t have a baby this year now. It’s March and I’m still not pregnant, so that rules out any 2011 deliveries.

I turn 30 next month, which hasn’t bothered me at all. Until now. Every month when I start, I get discouraged and in a funk. It’s like a state of depression for a few days. And it gets old. I wonder if I need to do something about this. I feel like I don’t know what to do. When do I try something else? And, what is the something else to try?

Stages of Acceptance

I read about the stages of acceptance online somewhere and I really related to them. I can't remember where these came from or I would've noted that, but I also added my own thoughts to each. I look forward to hearing your comments. 

 

Stage 1. Denial – It won’t happen to us.

Infertility is actually very common in couples, but you tend to think it won't happen to you. So, when it does...

 

Stage 2. Anger – At your body for betraying you, your spouse for not always being able to understand how you’re feeling, at people who get pregnant so easy or without trying (and the ones that tell you that), at having no control, at God for not answering your question “WHY?”

This is a tough and lonely place to be. You know better than to be angry at things or people for this, but you can't always control it. It's difficult, but it's just a part of the process. I always feel bad for getting angry, but I want women to know it's completely natural and you can't feel ashamed for your feelings. Now just try not to act on them. When I get difficult news or feel myself getting upset or angry, I can recognize that and know I need some time to process everything. Once I have that time to myself, I'm fine and things can go back to normal(ish) again.

 

Stage 3. Bargaining – I promise not to complain about anything if you just let us have a healthy baby. It doesn’t work and it’s illogical, but it is a way to cope.

I've done a lot of pleading and bargaining personally and I'm sure there's more where that comes from. Sometimes you feel that's all you can do.

 

Stage 4. Grief – Feeling numb or lonely and crying at everything. In a funk. 

I go through this stage probably once a month for at least a day. Not fun. 

 

Stage 5. Hope – Feeling like yourself again. Hope that you can do this and that you might be pregnant. When the test is negative, you start over at stage 1. 

Hope is a good state to be in. It's the starting over that's not fun.