Wednesday, February 22, 2012

March 1, 2011

Today was my first day to be alone. Dell had to go back to work today and I missed him. It's been so nice to have friends and family over to help occupy my time and take care of me. I still feel a little shut down and distant because it's still fresh in my mind and my heart. One of the reasons I chose the D&C was to not have this lingering over my head and move things along so we could try again. I didn't expect to still feel the way I do almost five days later. I am still cramping really bad, which forces me to either take pain pills or sit on the toilet crying in agony. And I'm still bleeding a lot. I thought that would only last a couple days, but reading online today, I now realize I might be experiencing this for weeks. Even so, I could deal with the physical pain ... it's the emotion tied to those symptoms I struggle with. Every time I go to the bathroom and see blood, it's just a constant reminder of what I lost. That's what hurts. But, I know why I have to face that. Because I still have the symptoms of a pregnancy with my swollen boobs, swollen belly and emotions all over the place. So I think the blood is a reminder of the truth. I'm afraid that without that, my hopeful self would somehow convince myself that it was all just a bad dream, and that I was still on my way to mommy-hood. So, the pain is a part of my journey and I'll be glad when this part is over.
I did pretty well today. I kept myself busy with laundry, bills, television, etc. Then at 5 p.m. there was a delivery. I opened the door to see a package from Harry and David. The note said "We are thinking of you and love you. Mom and Dad." At that moment, standing there looking at that tower of gourmet food, I lost it. It was my first breakdown alone and I was just thinking how lucky I am to have such amazing in-laws. They are the sweetest people! But, I also felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I was so grateful for the wonderful friends and family that have supported us during this most difficult time ... sending flowers, cookies, bringing food, praying and just being there. I am so grateful to be loved and cared about and I could not do this without them or without Dell. We are loved.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

February 26, 2011

Yesterday we had the D&C surgery. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but I couldn't imagine the mental anguish of trying to do it on my own. The physical pain is something I can deal with. But, today was the first day I woke up with no baby in my belly. And, even though I know you weren't "okay" for the last few days, you were still there, still mine. And now you are gone and I feel empty. I want a purpose again. I want a baby. I wanted you.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

February 23, 2011

Dear baby,
Today is the hardest day. Your dad and I went to the doctor this morning for my 8 week appointment. We were so excited to see you and hear the heartbeat. Before the ultrasound, the doctor said the fact that there was a strong heartbeat last week in the ER was very promising. I had a list of questions about the hemorrhage and other things ready to ask and we began the appointment. They did an internal ultrasound and we were able to see you on the screen - so tiny and cute with your little head and nubs for arms and legs. You looked bigger than last week - we were so excited. The doctor took pictures and measured you. He also showed me the hemorrhage was still there and a few minutes later, they took the wand out and said the saddest thing I've ever heard. "Audrey, we weren't able to find a heartbeat." 
I immediately started crying and my world closed in on me. Complete shock and total devastation in an instant. Not that you can ever prepare for something like that, but the thought never crossed my mind. We thought that if we could make it happen through last week everything would be fine. I didn't even think of this as a possibility. I couldn't. 
I want you to know I did everything "by the book" and did everything I could for you. I have to accept that this is how it's supposed to be right now. I don't understand it, I certainly don't like it, but it's out of my hands at this point and that's really tough. Having a problem with no reason, answers or solutions is a terrible feeling. I never wanted to lose you and now I'm having to mourn this loss before we've even met. 
I know people say everything happens for a reason, but right now I don't understand the reason. To me, it's just a tragedy. We went from dreaming of you every second ... what to name you, how to paint your nursery, who you would look like, what you would be, everything about you enriching our lives ... to being completely broken-hearted and thinking about the sadness associated with this loss. In one second, everything changed and we can't get it back. 
I need you to understand how much we loved you, wanted you and prayed for you. We are your parents and I'm sorry to have to write this letter. Now I can only pray for peace, patience, understanding and strength to get through this. I am so grateful to Dell for being with me and being my support system. He would have been the best father to you, and me not getting to see that unfold is harder than I could ever imagine. I am thankful to God, my amazing friends and family for loving me and for for the times I know they'll hold me up when I'm too weak to stand on my own. 
I am sad for so many reasons and scared for the future. I'm hoping to be hopeful again one day, but not today. Today, I lost my baby and I need some time for that. I have to throw out the old positive pregnancy tests still sitting on the bathroom counter, put away all the baby books, put a stop to the daily pregnancy emails and do my best to be okay again. I know it's going to take me a while and that's okay. I'll do my best to be strong because you can't. I promise to do my best and that's really all I can do right now. I know God has a plan for all of us ... even you were a part of His plan (your time was just about 100 years too short).

Thursday, February 9, 2012

February 16, 2011

Dear baby,

You are now seven weeks old and growing rapidly. Everything had been so great! I've had a little nausea and most food doesn't sound good, but all in all, pretty easy. But, on Valentine's Day we had quite the scare. I was at work and started feeling bad after lunch. My stomach was cramping and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I knew to call the doctor and then I waited for them to call me back. By the time they called back, they were closing and sent me to the emergency room. We checked in around 4:30 and did not get home until after 9 p.m. They took a lot of blood, checked my urine and did an internal ultrasound. That was very uncomfortable, but the tech quickly showed me you on the screen. Right now you look like a tiny torpedo - very adorable. Then, all of a sudden she turned up the sound and we heard your heartbeat! Dell and I looked at each other in shock and so excited. I started crying. I didn't know if everything was okay yet, so I was very anxious to hear from the doctor. He finally said it was a "threatened miscarriage" and that I had subchorionic bleeding and needed to rest. He said that everything could be okay or could be bad. We went home and some concerned friends came to visit and check on me. The next day my OBGYN doctor called to explain what happened. She said the baby looks good, has a strong heartbeat and my hormone levels were good. I did tell the doctor about some blood clots I passed that same night and she said it might be over now. I have another appointment next Wednesday for an ultrasound and I'm just going to stay positive. I want you to be okay and I will do whatever it takes to help you grow into a healthy, happy baby. Your dad and I are only concerned with you and we love you so much! For now, keep up the good work of growing and I'll do the rest!