Tuesday, February 14, 2012

February 23, 2011

Dear baby,
Today is the hardest day. Your dad and I went to the doctor this morning for my 8 week appointment. We were so excited to see you and hear the heartbeat. Before the ultrasound, the doctor said the fact that there was a strong heartbeat last week in the ER was very promising. I had a list of questions about the hemorrhage and other things ready to ask and we began the appointment. They did an internal ultrasound and we were able to see you on the screen - so tiny and cute with your little head and nubs for arms and legs. You looked bigger than last week - we were so excited. The doctor took pictures and measured you. He also showed me the hemorrhage was still there and a few minutes later, they took the wand out and said the saddest thing I've ever heard. "Audrey, we weren't able to find a heartbeat." 
I immediately started crying and my world closed in on me. Complete shock and total devastation in an instant. Not that you can ever prepare for something like that, but the thought never crossed my mind. We thought that if we could make it happen through last week everything would be fine. I didn't even think of this as a possibility. I couldn't. 
I want you to know I did everything "by the book" and did everything I could for you. I have to accept that this is how it's supposed to be right now. I don't understand it, I certainly don't like it, but it's out of my hands at this point and that's really tough. Having a problem with no reason, answers or solutions is a terrible feeling. I never wanted to lose you and now I'm having to mourn this loss before we've even met. 
I know people say everything happens for a reason, but right now I don't understand the reason. To me, it's just a tragedy. We went from dreaming of you every second ... what to name you, how to paint your nursery, who you would look like, what you would be, everything about you enriching our lives ... to being completely broken-hearted and thinking about the sadness associated with this loss. In one second, everything changed and we can't get it back. 
I need you to understand how much we loved you, wanted you and prayed for you. We are your parents and I'm sorry to have to write this letter. Now I can only pray for peace, patience, understanding and strength to get through this. I am so grateful to Dell for being with me and being my support system. He would have been the best father to you, and me not getting to see that unfold is harder than I could ever imagine. I am thankful to God, my amazing friends and family for loving me and for for the times I know they'll hold me up when I'm too weak to stand on my own. 
I am sad for so many reasons and scared for the future. I'm hoping to be hopeful again one day, but not today. Today, I lost my baby and I need some time for that. I have to throw out the old positive pregnancy tests still sitting on the bathroom counter, put away all the baby books, put a stop to the daily pregnancy emails and do my best to be okay again. I know it's going to take me a while and that's okay. I'll do my best to be strong because you can't. I promise to do my best and that's really all I can do right now. I know God has a plan for all of us ... even you were a part of His plan (your time was just about 100 years too short).

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Audrey! This breaks my heart! But it also amazes me and your grace in this situation says so much about you. You are always an inspiration to me and make me believe I can be better. I love you, girl, and pray that your destination will more than make up for this journey.

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  2. Audrey your words are so precious and so sweet and you make my heart hurt for your heart hurting. Because that's how it works, when you're a mother you feel what your child feels. I am so sorry for you and Dells pain. I continue to be amazed by your strength and courage that you have always had in life, I look up to you more than you know because you little girl are my precious child. Prayers are always for you! You will be the most awesome mother one day and I cannot wait to be there when it does happen. I love you, momma

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  3. Audrey you are one of the strongest people I have ever met and this entry brought me to tears. I love you and hope and pray for peace throughout this journey for you and Dell. LOVE YOU! -Bethy

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  4. Britton HowertonJune 5, 2012 at 8:06 PM

    this is beyond touching, so incredibly raw and beautiful. I'm in tears. I remember being in church service one Sunday morning after I'd had my miscarriage and the Pastor talked about Heaven being FULL of little ones. Because at the very moment a fetus is conceived he/she has eternal life. And then it hit me in a very real way... I would meet my baby in heaven one day! And I can't explain why on earth I never really thought of it that way, but it filled me with joy! God is amazing and faithful :).

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