March 1, 2011

Today was my first day to be alone. Dell had to go back to work today and I missed him. It's been so nice to have friends and family over to help occupy my time and take care of me. I still feel a little shut down and distant because it's still fresh in my mind and my heart. One of the reasons I chose the D&C was to not have this lingering over my head and move things along so we could try again. I didn't expect to still feel the way I do almost five days later. I am still cramping really bad, which forces me to either take pain pills or sit on the toilet crying in agony. And I'm still bleeding a lot. I thought that would only last a couple days, but reading online today, I now realize I might be experiencing this for weeks. Even so, I could deal with the physical pain ... it's the emotion tied to those symptoms I struggle with. Every time I go to the bathroom and see blood, it's just a constant reminder of what I lost. That's what hurts. But, I know why I have to face that. Because I still have the symptoms of a pregnancy with my swollen boobs, swollen belly and emotions all over the place. So I think the blood is a reminder of the truth. I'm afraid that without that, my hopeful self would somehow convince myself that it was all just a bad dream, and that I was still on my way to mommy-hood. So, the pain is a part of my journey and I'll be glad when this part is over.
I did pretty well today. I kept myself busy with laundry, bills, television, etc. Then at 5 p.m. there was a delivery. I opened the door to see a package from Harry and David. The note said "We are thinking of you and love you. Mom and Dad." At that moment, standing there looking at that tower of gourmet food, I lost it. It was my first breakdown alone and I was just thinking how lucky I am to have such amazing in-laws. They are the sweetest people! But, I also felt this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I was so grateful for the wonderful friends and family that have supported us during this most difficult time ... sending flowers, cookies, bringing food, praying and just being there. I am so grateful to be loved and cared about and I could not do this without them or without Dell. We are loved.