February 6, 2011

Dear baby, 
Two weeks ago today I found out I was pregnant. It was a Sunday and I was doing some grocery shopping and had an inkling to pick up a pregnancy test. I took it home and saw a faint pink line. I wasn't sure if I was just wishing that there were two lines or if there really were! Dell was at the office working late, so I asked him to pick up a digital test to be sure. It didn't take long for the test to say "YES" and we were both so excited! We just laid in bed talking about all the possibilities and saying how much we couldn't believe it. I didn't sleep much at all that night, or that week, for that matter ... too much to think about, worry about, be anxious for and just pure joy! We called first thing the next morning to make an appointment with the doctor and we got in Wednesday morning. We asked the nurse questions and went to the lab to have blood drawn. The next day we anxiously awaited the phone call from the doctors office. At around 4 p.m. they finally called to say I was pregnant and my numbers were normal for four weeks (233). The next day we were traveling to Tulsa so that Dell could go to the Oklahoma City Thunder game with my brother-in-law, Chris, and two of Dell's friends. He told the guys at dinner and I told my mom and sister at Starr's house. They were both so surprised and happy - they cried and hugged me. We told the rest of our family and our closest friends the following week and everyone can't wait to meet you! Your dad and I have organized space in what will be your nursery, talked about names and dreamt of you already! I've also been reading pregnancy books your aunt Starr gave me and enjoying my daily emails telling me about what you're doing, how big you are, what is growing, how I might feel, etc. So far, it's only been a few weeks, but it's been a wonderful experience. You are our little blessing and we are so grateful to have you in our lives, even if you are only the size of a sunflower seed :) It's amazing that only two weeks ago, I was living my normal life, and the second I found out I was pregnant, my every thought and action are now centered around you and making sure you're okay. It's you who I want to protect and care for from now until the very end. I'm officially a mother! I love you!

Our story

Dell and I met while working at the Walmart home office and became fast friends. We became engaged in April of 2009 and were just enjoying being together and planning the wedding. In October of 2009, I was at a friend’s house and suddenly had to go to the bathroom. I started bleeding a lot and it was not time for my period. I had cramps like I had never experienced before and sat on the toilet and cried for a good 20 minutes as chunks of blood kept coming out of me. This was not normal, nor did I have any idea what was going on. I called my doctor and went to see him the following week. He stated that there was no real way to tell now, but that I was probably in the early stages of pregnancy and miscarried that night. Even though it was not something we were actively trying for, I found myself still saddened by the loss. Dell was very supportive and we both agreed the timing was not meant to be, so I grieved and moved on.

We had a beautiful, simple wedding in June of 2010 and honeymooned in Costa Rica that October. I should also state that my sister had struggled with infertility and tried for three years before having her first son. So, I was not oblivious to the fact that the journey might be long and isn’t easy for everyone. Dell and I talked about it a lot and decided we would see what happens, but we knew we were ready. I stopped taking birth control the last week of December in 2010. Two weeks later, we had to travel to Connecticut for work and decided to extend the trip to NYC for a short weekend getaway. We had a wonderful trip in New York and went back to Arkansas for business as usual. A couple weeks later, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had never taken one before and didn’t feel any differently than any other day. It was just on a whim that I peed on that stick. The first test was a very faint line, so I asked Dell if he could pick up a digital test on his way home just in case. It did not take long at all for the word “pregnant” to come up on that screen. We were so incredibly excited and in complete shock that it happened so fast. The timing must have been right this time, we thought. It was perfect! We talked about naming the baby Brooklyn if it was a girl, since we got pregnant on our trip to New York. 

Without going into all of the details, we lost the baby at almost 8 weeks. After taking the necessary medically-required break from trying (and extending that period for my sanity), we started trying again over 6 months ago and still no luck. That brings you up to date, so now let’s go back to the beginning.

Dear friends,

                                                                                                                          

Thanks for accepting the invite to be a part of this journey with me. Many of you may not know that I have been struggling with infertility for about a year now. I have felt the need to share and become more open about my situation for quite some time. And I’ve just now become comfortable (well, maybe I’m still a little uneasy about the whole situation) with the idea of talking about this in such an open forum. So, I’m starting small in hopes that it will help me to acknowledge where I’m at and be honest about the situation. I consider myself a very open person, but this part of my life seems easier to keep hidden away. I fully acknowledge the fact that I have not been good about talking about this with my friends and I can’t continue down that path. Having said that, I think it’s important to get into the rules of the blog. 

This blog is meant to be a way for me to share this part of myself with you all. And, this blog will hopefully open the dialogue between us about my situation. If nothing else, you can at least be aware of what I’m going through and hopefully learn something about infertility. I want to educate others about the truth and emotions behind infertility. I will be sharing my story with you through actual journal entries from the past year. I will not censor what I wrote because I want this to be raw, brutally honest and real. In the same token, I would ask that you not censor yourself or place judgment at any time. Please feel free to comment on the page, email me directly or talk to me about anything you read. I don’t want this to be a one-way street and I look forward to hearing from you all. 

This blog is NOT intended to make you feel sorry for me or be sad for reading it. If you find yourself feeling sorry for me or treating me any differently, I will probably stop writing. I do not mean to change any of the relationships we have or be any different than the girl you know. If the blog is not providing you with anything positive and you want to stop reading it, I’m completely fine with that too. This is a bit of a test for me as well. Hopefully we can all gain something from this…sharing together, commenting, growing, etc. As I stated in my email, I think it will be therapeutic for me and I look forward to seeing where it takes me. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I will provide everyone with a quick summary of our story to date before going into the details of the actual journal entries. When you read the entries, please be sure to check the dates, as I will go in order of events and work my way up to present day. I will also state that I am not currently pregnant, but could be at any time. Well, technically, not for another 10 days at least (yes, you’ll read all about counting days soon). But the point is that things can always change and I always want to be honest about my situation, even when being honest isn’t fun.

If you’re wondering why I would decide to share now, I’ll tell you I don’t have a clear answer. It just seems as if the time is right. Part of the reason is that I have a friend going through infertility right now as well. She started a blog and it’s amazing. I find myself looking forward to her next entry every day.  I’ll be sharing some of her posts on here as well (with her permission, of course). But, I asked her if she was glad she started blogging about it and she said yes because it has helped her in many ways. When you are going through a situation like this, you are looking for help and hope around every corner. So, if this provides that to me and anyone else, it will be a success in my eyes. 

I read this quote today and it made me really think about my situation.

“Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important.” - Carl Jung

Infertility can be extremely lonely because those who are suffering don’t often share the struggle with other people. We aren’t communicating what is important to us. This thing that is consuming our thoughts and such a huge part of us isn’t talked about. And it can be very difficult. So, I don’t want to feel lonely any longer and I’ve decided to share my journey with you. 

Thanks for coming along. Enjoy!