Friday, January 27, 2012

Dear friends,

Thanks for accepting the invite to be a part of this journey with me. Many of you may not know that I have been struggling with infertility for about a year now. I have felt the need to share and become more open about my situation for quite some time. And I’ve just now become comfortable (well, maybe I’m still a little uneasy about the whole situation) with the idea of talking about this in such an open forum. So, I’m starting small in hopes that it will help me to acknowledge where I’m at and be honest about the situation. I consider myself a very open person, but this part of my life seems easier to keep hidden away. I fully acknowledge the fact that I have not been good about talking about this with my friends and I can’t continue down that path. Having said that, I think it’s important to get into the rules of the blog. 

This blog is meant to be a way for me to share this part of myself with you all. And, this blog will hopefully open the dialogue between us about my situation. If nothing else, you can at least be aware of what I’m going through and hopefully learn something about infertility. I want to educate others about the truth and emotions behind infertility. I will be sharing my story with you through actual journal entries from the past year. I will not censor what I wrote because I want this to be raw, brutally honest and real. In the same token, I would ask that you not censor yourself or place judgment at any time. Please feel free to comment on the page, email me directly or talk to me about anything you read. I don’t want this to be a one-way street and I look forward to hearing from you all. 

This blog is NOT intended to make you feel sorry for me or be sad for reading it. If you find yourself feeling sorry for me or treating me any differently, I will probably stop writing. I do not mean to change any of the relationships we have or be any different than the girl you know. If the blog is not providing you with anything positive and you want to stop reading it, I’m completely fine with that too. This is a bit of a test for me as well. Hopefully we can all gain something from this…sharing together, commenting, growing, etc. As I stated in my email, I think it will be therapeutic for me and I look forward to seeing where it takes me. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I will provide everyone with a quick summary of our story to date before going into the details of the actual journal entries. When you read the entries, please be sure to check the dates, as I will go in order of events and work my way up to present day. I will also state that I am not currently pregnant, but could be at any time. Well, technically, not for another 10 days at least (yes, you’ll read all about counting days soon). But the point is that things can always change and I always want to be honest about my situation, even when being honest isn’t fun.

If you’re wondering why I would decide to share now, I’ll tell you I don’t have a clear answer. It just seems as if the time is right. Part of the reason is that I have a friend going through infertility right now as well. She started a blog and it’s amazing. I find myself looking forward to her next entry every day.  I’ll be sharing some of her posts on here as well (with her permission, of course). But, I asked her if she was glad she started blogging about it and she said yes because it has helped her in many ways. When you are going through a situation like this, you are looking for help and hope around every corner. So, if this provides that to me and anyone else, it will be a success in my eyes. 

I read this quote today and it made me really think about my situation.

“Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important.” - Carl Jung

Infertility can be extremely lonely because those who are suffering don’t often share the struggle with other people. We aren’t communicating what is important to us. This thing that is consuming our thoughts and such a huge part of us isn’t talked about. And it can be very difficult. So, I don’t want to feel lonely any longer and I’ve decided to share my journey with you. 

Thanks for coming along. Enjoy!


  1. Audrey, I can't wait to hear your journey and share in the rollercoaster of emotions that I'm sure you and Dell with go through! You're such a brave woman! I have a friend who struggled with Infertility for 2 1/2 years while she watched as seven of her coworkers found out they were pregnant. As one of those coworkers, my heart broke for her but I prayed everyday for God to bless her and her husband with a sweet baby when the time was right for them. She gave birth to her son January 25th. Just three days ago she held her prayer in her arms for the first time. My new prayer for her is to enjoy every moment with her sweet love! You can read about her journey on her blog Now I will add you to my prayer list!

  2. Sometimes it’s hard to share with friends and family the hardships we go through. When things are tuff we tend to get discouraged and forget that our friends and family are what make us our strongest. You are not alone in this and I hope that sharing with us will help you maneuver through the onslaught of emotions you will have going forward in whatever decisions you make during this journey. I have family and a best friend that struggled with infertility and I’m not going to lie and say it will get easier but I can tell you that you will make it through. My friend struggled for 11 years and finally had come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t going to be able to have her own child then a month later she turned up pregnant. I tell you this not so you will think holy crap I can’t go through this for 11 years but so you can see the joy that comes out of persistence and struggles sometimes when you least expect it. Hold tight to your love for each other, your faith, and lean on your family and friends because we will be there all the way with you! xoxo

  3. Sweet, beautiful Audrey! I second what Mangio said, especially that your friends are here to lean on and to hold tight to your love and faith; it is one of the most endearing and important things about you (your love for each other and your love for the Lord). I am so proud of you for sharing and hope it helps you; I look forward to supporting you on your journey. Love both of you dearly!

  4. Erin, thanks for the prayers and for sharing her blog. I've already read it!

    Christy and Brooke, so true! Holding tight to our love for each other, our faith and leaning on family and friends is definitely something I'm trying to do and will continue to do so.

  5. Thank you for sharing this with us Audrey!!! Your great!! I hope everything works in your favor. You will be in my prayers!!

  6. So sorry for the loss of your sweet little bean. I struggled for two years and know how alone and utterly frustrating infertility can seem. But you are not alone: with Dell's love, a supportive family, and prayers from friends you will be stronger than you ever imagined. Thank you for sharing, Audrey. And here's to a short journey!
    Sarah Gripe

  7. Audrey-- i am so sorry that you are going through this but i have so much respect for you for sharing your story. This is every female's nightmare and I'm so proud of you for having such strength and courage throughout your journey to share with others. I know so many people that have gone through this and its so hard for me not to think about it when we are constantly talking about starting a family in the future. I wish you luck and i hope that baby Chambers surprises you when you least expect it! Thats how it always seems to happen right!? XOXO, Rachel

  8. Sarah, I had no idea you struggled with this and your little boy is adorable, by the way!

    Thanks Rachel and Eisha and everyone. I really love your comments and appreciate you taking the time to read my blog.


  9. Audrey,
    I am so sorry for your loss. As I was reading your story, it reminded me so much of me. I have also suffered from 2 before Colin, and the other between Colin and Cameryn. Both of mine were at 8 week as well, and the second was just as heartbreaking and emotionally/physically painful as the first. One thing I have put my faith in through these times is "All things come together for good that trust in God". I know that I wouldn't have Colin and Cameryn if I hadn't had those miscarriages, and they are such blessings to me! I also believe that we will get to meet our precious babies in Heaven one day. I pray that you will find hope in knowing that you can have multiple miscarriages and still have healthy pregnancies. I pray that this is the case for you! Don't lose heart. I know a lot of people love and care for you and Dell, and a lot of people are praying for you! Love you! If you ever need someone to talk to, just let me know.

    Laurie Westfahl

  10. Laurie, you have always been the sweetest thing and I appreciate that so much. Sorry you had to go through this too, but happy you have beautiful babies now. Thank you for the kind words.