I took a test this morning - negative! Pretty fitting to say negative considering how you feel. This month, we counted days, used a pillow to prop up and kept positive thoughts throughout. I really felt like I let go of the worry and truly relaxed, knowing it would all work out. But as the days get closer to the period (or missed period), your mind wanders ... my boobs are larger, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm so tired, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm pretty moody and emotional, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm dizzy a lot, maybe I'm pregnant. As it turns out, it's all a mind game. Those could be symptoms of anything.
And the pregnancy test is another crazy tool too. You pee on the stick (which you can't wait to do, by the way ... I find myself counting down the days to this day), then you wait. Three minutes later you look for those two lines, that "yes" ... whatever sign to tell you it's really happening. You tell yourself not to look before the time is up, but you do. You stare and wait. You try to distract yourself from the stick, but you can't. And even when you see the "no," the one measly line, you still hope for a tint of pink to give you a glimmer of hope that it's still processing, that it will still be positive. But, it won't, it doesn't and it sucks. So, you throw it away and think okay, we'll try again. Then you find yourself digging the stick out of the trash hours later to make sure you didn't imagine the no. That this disappointment was real and not just a bad dream.
And you feel crazy again. And just when you think you're at peace with the situation, with the timing and all of it, that test brings you back to reality. Back to knowing you have to try again, saying I don't know what else to do and back to the frustration, sadness, anger, crankiness and distance. Back to alienating yourself to feel like this freak of a woman with this thing hanging over your head. Back to counting days and starting over. Back to hoping I'm not writing this again in December.
Monday, April 16, 2012
November 8, 2011
Strike three!
We have been trying for three months now and no luck yet. Last month was tough because I would've been having a baby if we hadn't miscarried and instead I wasn't even pregnant yet. I cried to Dell all night after I took the test. That time I actually bought ovulation tests and took one every day for a week. So between the test and the tingling I felt in my belly, I thought for sure it would happen. Then, it didn't. A couple days later at church, Rev. Owens said before the prayer, "There is a woman here who wants to have a child and she needs to know God is there to help." I don't remember the exact words, but I know it was meant for me. It was unreal because Dell and I hadn't told anyone, so I knew it was meant to comfort me. The next weekend we had a Halloween party at work and they hired a fortune teller. She told me she knew I wanted to have a baby and not to worry because I would get that. Interesting. Then this week, the lady at church who prayed said something about filling an empty womb.
The point is, I have a feeling I will have a baby one day. "Be joyful in hope, patient in trouble and persistent in prayer." Romans 12:12
So, I need to pray more and try again. More to come...
We have been trying for three months now and no luck yet. Last month was tough because I would've been having a baby if we hadn't miscarried and instead I wasn't even pregnant yet. I cried to Dell all night after I took the test. That time I actually bought ovulation tests and took one every day for a week. So between the test and the tingling I felt in my belly, I thought for sure it would happen. Then, it didn't. A couple days later at church, Rev. Owens said before the prayer, "There is a woman here who wants to have a child and she needs to know God is there to help." I don't remember the exact words, but I know it was meant for me. It was unreal because Dell and I hadn't told anyone, so I knew it was meant to comfort me. The next weekend we had a Halloween party at work and they hired a fortune teller. She told me she knew I wanted to have a baby and not to worry because I would get that. Interesting. Then this week, the lady at church who prayed said something about filling an empty womb.
The point is, I have a feeling I will have a baby one day. "Be joyful in hope, patient in trouble and persistent in prayer." Romans 12:12
So, I need to pray more and try again. More to come...
Thursday, April 12, 2012
September 13, 2011
Dear Journal,
This was officially our first month to start actively trying to have a baby. It didn't work ... didn't "take" I guess you could say. I don't intend for this entire book to be filled with baby, or lack thereof, drama, but it's what weighs on my heart and mind, so I write. The feeling of not being pregnant today isn't total devastation like it was when I miscarried a few months ago, but more like disappointment or a bitter pill you don't want to swallow. I don't like the taste of it for sure. And I imagine I'll like the taste of being pregnant much more than this taste of disappointment I have today. I'm doing okay ... just dealing with the regular back aches and cramps that seem ever so severe, but are pretty normal. My sister reminded me that these cramps are why I got on birth control when I was 16 years old. I'd forgotten how awful they were because they'd been subdued for over 12 years. Now that they are back and appear to be making up for lost time with extra pain, I'm ready to have pains that serve more of a purpose. These suck! Next month, we try again. I'm looking forward to that for many reasons ... one of which means these aches will be over ... another is the hope of what it can bring ... to be continued.
This was officially our first month to start actively trying to have a baby. It didn't work ... didn't "take" I guess you could say. I don't intend for this entire book to be filled with baby, or lack thereof, drama, but it's what weighs on my heart and mind, so I write. The feeling of not being pregnant today isn't total devastation like it was when I miscarried a few months ago, but more like disappointment or a bitter pill you don't want to swallow. I don't like the taste of it for sure. And I imagine I'll like the taste of being pregnant much more than this taste of disappointment I have today. I'm doing okay ... just dealing with the regular back aches and cramps that seem ever so severe, but are pretty normal. My sister reminded me that these cramps are why I got on birth control when I was 16 years old. I'd forgotten how awful they were because they'd been subdued for over 12 years. Now that they are back and appear to be making up for lost time with extra pain, I'm ready to have pains that serve more of a purpose. These suck! Next month, we try again. I'm looking forward to that for many reasons ... one of which means these aches will be over ... another is the hope of what it can bring ... to be continued.
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