I took a test this morning - negative! Pretty fitting to say negative considering how you feel. This month, we counted days, used a pillow to prop up and kept positive thoughts throughout. I really felt like I let go of the worry and truly relaxed, knowing it would all work out. But as the days get closer to the period (or missed period), your mind wanders ... my boobs are larger, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm so tired, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm pretty moody and emotional, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm dizzy a lot, maybe I'm pregnant. As it turns out, it's all a mind game. Those could be symptoms of anything.
And the pregnancy test is another crazy tool too. You pee on the stick (which you can't wait to do, by the way ... I find myself counting down the days to this day), then you wait. Three minutes later you look for those two lines, that "yes" ... whatever sign to tell you it's really happening. You tell yourself not to look before the time is up, but you do. You stare and wait. You try to distract yourself from the stick, but you can't. And even when you see the "no," the one measly line, you still hope for a tint of pink to give you a glimmer of hope that it's still processing, that it will still be positive. But, it won't, it doesn't and it sucks. So, you throw it away and think okay, we'll try again. Then you find yourself digging the stick out of the trash hours later to make sure you didn't imagine the no. That this disappointment was real and not just a bad dream.
And you feel crazy again. And just when you think you're at peace with the situation, with the timing and all of it, that test brings you back to reality. Back to knowing you have to try again, saying I don't know what else to do and back to the frustration, sadness, anger, crankiness and distance. Back to alienating yourself to feel like this freak of a woman with this thing hanging over your head. Back to counting days and starting over. Back to hoping I'm not writing this again in December.