Monday, April 16, 2012

November 27, 2011

I took a test this  morning - negative! Pretty fitting to say negative considering how you feel. This month, we counted days, used a pillow to prop up and kept positive thoughts throughout. I really felt like I let go of the worry and truly relaxed, knowing it would all work out. But as the days get closer to the period (or missed period), your mind wanders ... my boobs are larger, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm so tired, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm pretty moody and emotional, maybe I'm pregnant. I'm dizzy a lot, maybe I'm pregnant. As it turns out, it's all a mind game. Those could be symptoms of anything. 
And the pregnancy test is another crazy tool too. You pee on the stick (which you can't wait to do, by the way ... I find myself counting down the days to this day), then you wait. Three minutes later you look for those two lines, that "yes" ... whatever sign to tell you it's really happening. You tell yourself not to look before the time is up, but you do. You stare and wait. You try to distract yourself from the stick, but you can't. And even when you see the "no," the one measly line, you still hope for a tint of pink to give you a glimmer of hope that it's still processing, that it will still be positive. But, it won't, it doesn't and it sucks. So, you throw it away and think okay, we'll try again. Then you find yourself digging the stick out of the trash hours later to make sure you didn't imagine the no. That this disappointment was real and not just a bad dream. 
And you feel crazy again. And just when you think you're at peace with the situation, with the timing and all of it, that test brings you back to reality. Back to knowing you have to try again, saying I don't know what else to do and back to the frustration, sadness, anger, crankiness and distance. Back to alienating yourself to feel like this freak of a woman with this thing hanging over your head. Back to counting days and starting over. Back to hoping I'm not writing this again in December.


  1. Ugh. It's painful to read this...but I'm so glad to. I want you to know that I'm here, I love you, and I don't think you are a freak of a woman. You're incredible. And there are a lot more of us who feel that way for you and want to be there for you. Thanks for letting us in in this way- I know it must be hard. You are a brave, inspirational woman. Glad to have you in my life.
    Love ya!

  2. Glad to have you in my life too Mel. And this part hasn't been too hard...the part that's more current seems harder to share, but I will anyway. Love you.

  3. oh man do I know what you mean about the stick! I won't even begin to pretend I understand what you're going through... BUT... it did take a longer time to conceive than I anticipated after having a dreadful miscarriage. And I do remember counting down the days for the pee test and looking to every little thing different about my body and mood being a sign that I was finally pregnant. I too would put that darn negative stick in the trash (or even in a zippy bag tucked away on the shelf in the bathroom) and then would just HAVE to go peek at it hours later just to make sure it was still in fact negative. It. Drove. Me. Crazy. I charted my temperature for months and told myself I was "being so relaxed and stress free" about the whole trying to get pregnant thing. Looking back I was absolutely obsessed and I have no doubts now that I had to let go if I were ever going to get pregnant. I remember going to the doctor for my annual after trying to get pregnant for what seemed like forever. It had almost been a year since the miscarriage. I cried at my doctor's appointment and he reassured me that things were going to happen and that I just needed to do the best I could to relax and be patient. I remember leaving the office that day with a weight lifted off my shoulders, I just felt different and I couldn't explain it. I pulled out of the parking garage and said a little prayer that I was just going to "let go". I stopped charting my temperature that very day. I put being pregnant out-of-mind (best I could) and just wanted to have fun with my husband and friends. Low and behold.... Abby was conceived about two weeks after that appointment.

    I didn't mean to go on and on about my experience like that. I realize you are dealing with something much more intense and emotional. But I also wanted you to know that those episodes of craziness you were describing are something I can relate to and maybe that's just nice to hear... and maybe not! That's okay too! You are a strong, beautiful and very brave young woman. God has something big for you and Dell.


  4. Britton, so glad you said that and that I'm not the only one who did that. I know exactly what you mean about thinking you're being relaxed and cool about everything, but internally you are a ball of worry. It's not fun, but letting go is easier said than done, as you know.
    And thanks for the kind words too. That means a lot. Thanks for reading and sharing.
    Love, Audrey