Thursday, April 12, 2012

September 13, 2011

Dear Journal,
This was officially our first month to start actively trying to have a baby. It didn't work ... didn't "take" I guess you could say. I don't intend for this entire book to be filled with baby, or lack thereof, drama, but it's what weighs on my heart and mind, so I write. The feeling of not being pregnant today isn't total devastation like it was when I miscarried a few months ago, but more like disappointment or a bitter pill you don't want to swallow. I don't like the taste of it for sure. And I imagine I'll like the taste of being pregnant much more than this taste of disappointment I have today. I'm doing okay ... just dealing with the regular back aches and cramps that seem ever so severe, but are pretty normal. My sister reminded me that these cramps are why I got on birth control when I was 16 years old. I'd forgotten how awful they were because they'd been subdued for over 12 years. Now that they are back and appear to be making up for lost time with extra pain, I'm ready to have pains that serve more of a purpose. These suck! Next month, we try again. I'm looking forward to that for many reasons ... one of which means these aches will be over ... another is the hope of what it can bring ... to be continued.

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