I haven't written in a while - we've been busy! Dell and I moved back to Tulsa in June. What a blessing. This is something we have wanted to do for a while. Moving back to our hometown was on our goal list we made before we got married and we were determined to make that happen. It wasn't working out as quickly as we hoped, but we didn't give up. It was another situation where I had to "let go." I had to consciously remind myself over and over again that I wasn't in control of timing or where we went. So, I became more patient and then the move happened very quickly. We are living with Starr and Chris right now because we can't seem to sell our house in Arkansas. They really are life-savers for letting us stay here. We have our own room, which we've organized nicely with all our essentials. We have our own bathroom too. It's a really nice setup and helps you live simply ... kind of makes you realize all the "things" you don't need, which is a lesson I could use.
It's nice to be back in Tulsa and be a part of things again. We no longer have to miss (or rush two hours to get to) birthdays, spontaneous get-togethers, girls nights, family events, lunch after church, church itself, before-work breakfast with friends, all of it. We get to be a part of everything! Of course we miss our friends in Arkansas, but we feel like this is home. When I've had a bad day at work, it sure is nice to come home and hear little Gavin's voice. One hug from him, and everything is in perspective again. I love how kids can just keep it real for you and I love spending so much time with the boys while they are young and constantly changing.
In regards to the baby, I still get sad about it. I'd be lying if I said I don't struggle sometimes and I still worry a lot. We aren't actively trying right now and though I'm excited to try again, I'm also scared beyond belief. I can't help but have those evil, scary thoughts creep in sometimes and that makes me freak out a little inside. I worry that something will go wrong again and how I'll react and get through it. I worry that I'll be so scared and freaked out for 9+ months that I won't be able to enjoy the journey. I worry about telling people good news and then potentially bad again. I worry we won't have our own house to bring the baby home to. I worry that something could be wrong with the baby and I won't know. I worry that something is wrong with Dell or I and we can't make a baby. But, overall, I won't let my fear stop me from doing what I really want and getting back up and trying again. In the end, everything will be worth it. I have to have hope.