March 22, 2011

One good thing about this situation is the amount of visitors we've had (glass half full, right?). Dell and I are both from Tulsa and we drive that way ALL the time. It seems as if no one ever comes to see us. I'm not complaining, necessarily ... just stating the facts. But, in the last month or so, we've had so many visitors and I love it. Being surrounded by family and friends that care about you so much is the bet. We are blessed in that sense. Their presence has made me smile when I didn't know if I could or not. It's great! I'm in a better place. I really feel like I get stronger and move in a positive direction more every day. And I've learned to be happy and proud of even the smallest accomplishments. For example, I can now say things like "WHEN I get pregnant again," versus the big "IF" - that's progress! And every little bit helps. I also forced myself to answer the phone when my friends called. To some that might seem like a small thing, but to me it was a very big deal. I was not wanting to talk about "it" ... you know, that whole losing a baby you were previously so excited about (sending out a max text and joyfully answering the phone when everyone got THE news). Yeah, that "it." So, for me, I felt like I was a bit of a burden with this sad news and I didn't want anyone else to be sad with me. I knew when they called to check on me, I'd cry and then they would be sad. And I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I was feeling. But, one day I just vowed to answer the phone. I knew it wasn't something I could just avoid. I knew it was something I had to go through - to walk through completely and to talk through. And what better people to talk through it with than my best friends. Another step in the right direction! 
I went to the doctor on Friday for my 3 week post-op checkup. It was fairly straight-forward with just questions and explanations. I can't say answers because you often don't get answers in this situation. The doctor said he was a bit concerned that the baby had a normal, healthy heartbeat and then we lost it. I wasn't sure what to say. I'm concerned about that too, but what does it mean? Question after question. And I'm not faulting my doctor, or any doctor for that matter, because I know that's just how it is. And I told him I understand you can't give me the answers or the why and I don't care anymore. I let go of that need to control this situation and I just have to know that it will work out. I don't care what happened in the past or how I get to where I want to be, as long as I get there. If my end result is a healthy, happy baby, none of these questions matter. So, I find myself letting go. Maybe that was the lesson God was teaching me - who knows? If this is something I had to go through, so be it. Now I have to learn, grow and be a better person. And I think I am, I have and I will continue to do so. 
Another area where I've become stronger is with having my blood drawn. For the initial pregnancy test I was feeling a little woozy, but Dell was there to hold my hand. And we were so excited about the news to come, that I was too giddy to throw a fit. The next needle scare came when I had the bleeding scare and the ER visit. IV and blood drawn again - yuck! Not fun and not exciting news to look forward to, so that one was tough. Then, the D&C with more blood and another IV. A sad day with being poked too - no thanks, I'll pass. This visit to the doctor called for some additional testing (ANA and something to do with phospholipids) and I was all by myself. Three vials of blood later and I wasn't even fazed! I just looked out the window and thought "you have to do this Audrey." And I knew I was becoming stronger. And I know there isn't anything I wouldn't give or do to have a baby. It's just a part of my journey.
Another thing I've learned in all of this is that more than being a "tough girl," I'm just a real person. I worried that crying was showing weakness and that I needed to be tough to show people that nothing could really affect me. But then I realized it wasn't about being tough, it was about being real. I've always taken pride in staying true to myself and now, more than ever, it was important to maintain that ... to just be me. It will be alright, I'll be alright.