March 2, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if we are going through this because we’ve had a fairly easy road in our relationship. Yes, we’ve fought and we sort of tried to break up when we were newly dating and getting scared of the seriousness of it all. But, all in all, we get along really well. 

We are together ALL the time. We live together in a tiny bedroom, share a little bathroom, work together, go to the gym together, attend church together and just about everything else. So, in general we don’t argue a lot. I mean, for as much time as we spend together, it’s really a miracle we get along so well. Lord knows I'm not perfect and he manages to deal with me through it all. 

So I wonder if this is the big test we have to go through to make sure we’re ready for the tests that will come with starting a family. As long as we use this test to become stronger, instead of weaker, and communicate better instead of shutting down, I think we’ll be good.

February 2012

I read something online that I really related to. If you want something, put your mind into it and work hard and you can get it. This has worked for me many times before. I’ve been successful in school and work. When I want something, I work for it. Seems simple and it’s something we’ve heard all of our lives – effort in, results out. But, when you feel like you are failing at something that you can’t control, it’s tough. I can’t work any harder at getting pregnant. So the power you feel when you are in control of your success is taken away from you. I can’t make it happen. This particular post said “Giving up control is the hardest part of infertility. If only it was as easy as putting forth extra effort.” I couldn’t agree more. But, we had a lesson last night at church that hit me over the head and it ties in very nicely with the control. 

Reminder: Don’t judge God’s goodness in your life on a snapshot. Our understanding of time is not the same as God’s. God doesn’t fit into the “teacups” of our minds. 

Human beings seek clear answers or rationale to help them deal with hard questions and suffering. We assume it would be more tolerable if we could understand the “why.” Some aspects in life aren’t always clear. Don’t get caught up in the “why?” 

Trust the journey with God. We have to seek God with blind trust and without clear answers – He might withhold the answer to see if you’ll stay with Him when things aren’t clear. 

As human beings, we want to blame someone or something for things gone wrong. We need to shift that blame to grace, even when we don’t understand. 

I'm trying to learn.

January 1, 2012

Well, it's a new year and I'm still not pregnant. I took a test a couple days before Christmas and thought how cool it would be to tell everyone at the holidays. I even bought extra tests, so I could put one in Starr's stocking on Christmas morning. As it turns out, I don't need them yet. It was actually good timing because I was distracted with all the business of the holidays and didn't have much time to dwell on it. 
My sister gave me a book called "Wait" and it was a nice poem about God's timing and how He answers us with that simple, but difficult response to our questions. WAIT. It's not something I've ever been really great at, but I think I'm doing better. Sure, I have my days, but for the most part, I've improved with my patience and the understanding that I might not get the yes I want right away (or at all). So, now I wait. 
I also found a blog about infertility and really enjoyed reading that. It was the first time I really said or acknowledged that I am infertile right now, that we're snuggling with infertility issues. And it was great reading these strangers stories that so closely resembled mine. Even if the circumstances didn't line up (some have been trying for years, some doing IVF, some adopting, some fresh in the process, older in age, some with medical issues, etc.), but no matter the situation, the feelings lined up. The crazy emotions, the 5 stages of grief, the peeing on sticks, the things people shouldn't say to you and more. I loved the honesty these women had and the fact that they're willing to share their story, just hoping to help someone ... not knowing there's little old me reading everything and hanging so tightly to their words, their stories, their struggle and sometimes triumph. It's amazing. I appreciate that knowing I'm not alone or crazy, came from that unexpected source. I'm looking forward to 2012 and to seeing what it will bring us. 2011 started so high, came quickly crashing down, then brought us so many blessings and adventures. We're probably most grateful to be home in Tulsa with our families. I'm looking forward to the next adventure. Good night.