July 20, 2011

I haven't written in a while - we've been busy! Dell and I moved back to Tulsa in June. What a blessing. This is something we have wanted to do for a while. Moving back to our hometown was on our goal list we made before we got married and we were determined to make that happen. It wasn't working out as quickly as we hoped, but we didn't give up. It was another situation where I had to "let go." I had to consciously remind myself over and over again that I wasn't in control of timing or where we went. So, I became more patient and then the move happened very quickly. We are living with Starr and Chris right now because we can't seem to sell our house in Arkansas. They really are life-savers for letting us stay here. We have our own room, which we've organized nicely with all our essentials. We have our own bathroom too. It's a really nice setup and helps you live simply ... kind of makes you realize all the "things" you don't need, which is a lesson I could use.

It's nice to be back in Tulsa and be a part of things again. We no longer have to miss (or rush two hours to get to) birthdays, spontaneous get-togethers, girls nights, family events, lunch after church, church itself, before-work breakfast with friends, all of it. We get to be a part of everything! Of course we miss our friends in Arkansas, but we feel like this is home. When I've had a bad day at work, it sure is nice to come home and hear little Gavin's voice. One hug from him, and everything is in perspective again. I love how kids can just keep it real for you and I love spending so much time with the boys while they are young and constantly changing.  

In regards to the baby, I still get sad about it. I'd be lying if I said I don't struggle sometimes and I still worry a lot. We aren't actively trying right now and though I'm excited to try again, I'm also scared beyond belief. I can't help but have those evil, scary thoughts creep in sometimes and that makes me freak out a little inside. I worry that something will go wrong again and how I'll react and get through it. I worry that I'll be so scared and freaked out for 9+ months that I won't be able to enjoy the journey. I worry about telling people good news and then potentially bad again. I worry we won't have our own house to bring the baby home to. I worry that something could be wrong with the baby and I won't know. I worry that something is wrong with Dell or I and we can't make a baby. But, overall, I won't let my fear stop me from doing what I really want and getting back up and trying again. In the end, everything will be worth it. I have to have hope.

May 12, 2011

A lot of time has passed since I last wrote and a lot has happened too. I have more of a peace about the situation because I really believe everything happens for a reason. I also learned I'm not in control, which ultimately brought me to a place of calmness and that peace that I now have. 
This past Sunday was Mother's Day and I woke up feeling a little differently than I had imagined, but I survived and I'm looking forward to having a real reason to celebrate that day soon. I know I will be a great mom.

March 22, 2011

One good thing about this situation is the amount of visitors we've had (glass half full, right?). Dell and I are both from Tulsa and we drive that way ALL the time. It seems as if no one ever comes to see us. I'm not complaining, necessarily ... just stating the facts. But, in the last month or so, we've had so many visitors and I love it. Being surrounded by family and friends that care about you so much is the bet. We are blessed in that sense. Their presence has made me smile when I didn't know if I could or not. It's great! I'm in a better place. I really feel like I get stronger and move in a positive direction more every day. And I've learned to be happy and proud of even the smallest accomplishments. For example, I can now say things like "WHEN I get pregnant again," versus the big "IF" - that's progress! And every little bit helps. I also forced myself to answer the phone when my friends called. To some that might seem like a small thing, but to me it was a very big deal. I was not wanting to talk about "it" ... you know, that whole losing a baby you were previously so excited about (sending out a max text and joyfully answering the phone when everyone got THE news). Yeah, that "it." So, for me, I felt like I was a bit of a burden with this sad news and I didn't want anyone else to be sad with me. I knew when they called to check on me, I'd cry and then they would be sad. And I didn't want anyone to feel the pain I was feeling. But, one day I just vowed to answer the phone. I knew it wasn't something I could just avoid. I knew it was something I had to go through - to walk through completely and to talk through. And what better people to talk through it with than my best friends. Another step in the right direction! 
I went to the doctor on Friday for my 3 week post-op checkup. It was fairly straight-forward with just questions and explanations. I can't say answers because you often don't get answers in this situation. The doctor said he was a bit concerned that the baby had a normal, healthy heartbeat and then we lost it. I wasn't sure what to say. I'm concerned about that too, but what does it mean? Question after question. And I'm not faulting my doctor, or any doctor for that matter, because I know that's just how it is. And I told him I understand you can't give me the answers or the why and I don't care anymore. I let go of that need to control this situation and I just have to know that it will work out. I don't care what happened in the past or how I get to where I want to be, as long as I get there. If my end result is a healthy, happy baby, none of these questions matter. So, I find myself letting go. Maybe that was the lesson God was teaching me - who knows? If this is something I had to go through, so be it. Now I have to learn, grow and be a better person. And I think I am, I have and I will continue to do so. 
Another area where I've become stronger is with having my blood drawn. For the initial pregnancy test I was feeling a little woozy, but Dell was there to hold my hand. And we were so excited about the news to come, that I was too giddy to throw a fit. The next needle scare came when I had the bleeding scare and the ER visit. IV and blood drawn again - yuck! Not fun and not exciting news to look forward to, so that one was tough. Then, the D&C with more blood and another IV. A sad day with being poked too - no thanks, I'll pass. This visit to the doctor called for some additional testing (ANA and something to do with phospholipids) and I was all by myself. Three vials of blood later and I wasn't even fazed! I just looked out the window and thought "you have to do this Audrey." And I knew I was becoming stronger. And I know there isn't anything I wouldn't give or do to have a baby. It's just a part of my journey.
Another thing I've learned in all of this is that more than being a "tough girl," I'm just a real person. I worried that crying was showing weakness and that I needed to be tough to show people that nothing could really affect me. But then I realized it wasn't about being tough, it was about being real. I've always taken pride in staying true to myself and now, more than ever, it was important to maintain that ... to just be me. It will be alright, I'll be alright.

March 2, 2011

I don't know who to write to anymore, so I just leave that space empty for now. One day I'll have a "Dear so and so" entry again. I cried myself to sleep last night. It was the first time I've done that since the day I found out I was losing the baby - one week ago today. Although it wasn't like the first time when I was crying so hard I could barely breathe ... it was more of a silent, still cry. I'll take that as progress! Last night I finally resolved to start talking to people again. So many people have called to check on me and I've found it's much easier to ignore the call than to answer and tell them the truth. Part of me knows they just want to hear my voice and know I'm okay. But, I also know I'm not really okay and I don't want to bother them with the sadness. But, that changes today. I need to talk to friends and I need to start having some normalcy because I have to go back to work tomorrow. 

Dell has been so great through this whole thing. He is patient, concerned, supportive, helpful ... everything. Yesterday he brought me dinner and a movie I could watch today - just so thoughtful. I love him so much and know we'll be even stronger and closer because of this. For that, I am grateful.