June 12, 2012

Today is our two year wedding anniversary. On one hand, it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since we got married. On the other hand, I can’t imagine a time when Dell wasn’t a part of my life. In the past two years, we’ve had some wonderful moments and been able to experience so much together. We are really fortunate and especially so for this new adventure. 

We went to the doctor today and I got to hear the heartbeat again. It was faster this time (178), so of course everyone has their predictions on the sex of the baby, but we won’t know that for weeks. As long as the baby is healthy, we’ll be happy either way. 

I love getting ultrasound pictures every time I visit the doctor. I love seeing how the baby changes from week to week and this week was no different. The picture I got from the doctor had a little baby with frog legs and a little head. It’s crazy to think that something only about 1 inch long has a fully-functioning heart and organs. It’s unreal. 

I go back to the doctor next week for another check-in. We’re getting closer and closer to the 12 week mark and I can’t wait. Though, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have anxiety or worry about the baby. When I feel a certain way for a few days and then that feeling disappears, I worry something has happened. I try to tell myself it’s crazy and I just need to relax, but it’s easier said than done sometimes. Today, I feel good. I feel relieved everything looks good and this is the farthest I’ve made it in a pregnancy yet, so yay!

Around week 7-8, I started getting really hungry. Like, if I don’t eat right this second, I might die. Or puke. It was strange, but I am learning how to manage that. I often carry granola bars in my purse for these little hunger emergencies. 

I think it was also around week 8 that I started feeling really tired. I remember sleeping for 9 hours one night and waking up the next day feeling as if I hadn’t slept in days. It’s hard to keep my eyes open at times and I can’t stop yawning. It’s crazy how I can’t control it at all. No matter how much rest I get, I’m still exhausted and struggling to make it through the day. Must be hard work creating another human.

May 29, 2012

Dell and I went to the doctor today and got to see the baby. It’s crazy that it’s so tiny and yet we can see it and see it’s little heart fluttering inside. The baby is the size of a blueberry this week. Wow. But, the little blueberry has a heartbeat of 128. The doctor says everything looks perfect and he’ll see me in two weeks. I had blood work done and sent me off with a prescription for more pre-natal vitamins and progesterone until I’m 12 weeks. I am so glad this doctor is proactive and wants to do everything he can to help me have a successful pregnancy. I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. 

When we checked out to make the next appointment, the receptionist mentioned the date of June 12 and we both smiled. That’s our 2 year anniversary, so it’s the perfect day for another check up on the little miracle.

May 21, 2012

We went to the doctor at lunch and had an internal ultrasound. He said everything looks good and showed us the sac and the little formation of the baby. We didn’t get to hear the heartbeat because it’s still too early. We go back on Tuesday after Memorial Day to hopefully hear the heartbeat and determine a due date. 

I still can’t believe it. We pray every morning and thank God for this miracle, but it still doesn’t seem real to me.

I started the nauseous feelings on Sunday. Just randomly throughout the day I will feel like puking, but haven’t actually done that yet. I really can’t complain. Other than that, I've had severe back pain and I am really tired most of the day, but things are going great. I’m looking forward to the journey.

I bought a pregnancy journal to start next week and I think that will be a fun way to record these memories. We are so excited!

May 11, 2012

I was supposed to start my period earlier this week, but with my irregular cycles, I just assumed I was late. I couldn’t sleep and woke up around 4:30 a.m. and decided to take a test. I only had one test left and I thought why not? When you go through infertility, it’s crazy how your mind wanders and how you think every single thing through. I thought about waiting to take the test on Sunday morning for Mother’s Day, but didn’t want the disappointment, so I decided today would be the day. I took the test, washed my hands and rinsed my face off and then checked the test.

Pregnant.

NO WAY! I’ve seen that before, but there’s been a small, very important word in front of it every other time. NOT. Not Pregnant. Not this time. This time there was no “not.”

I freaked out and walked into the bedroom with the test in hand. I flipped the light on and with my hands shaking, I showed Dell. He was so excited and just hugged me. He said he knew I was going to take a test, but didn’t want to say anything just in case. He’s really been so great about this. I’m lucky to have him.

I waited and waited for my sister to wake up so that I could tell her. She cried and hugged me.

Now I’m exhausted and have to keep this a secret all day. I called the doctor and told them the news. I love my new doctor and the nurses there. His nurse was so excited for me and asked if I could come in that day for a blood test. I went in that morning and waited all day for the results. I knew they closed at 3 and they hadn’t called yet. I called at 2:55 and begged for my numbers. She said they are good, somewhere around 240. 

The next morning we went to the Farmer’s Market with my mom and sister. There was a little girl walking by and my mom said “That’s how your daughter is going to look Audrey.” I said, “we’ll see in 9 months.” It took her a while to figure it out. She wasn’t getting it, but when she finally did, she started crying and was so happy. 

Sunday the 13^th was Mother’s Day, so we took Dell’s parents out to lunch after church. We bought his mom a card that said Grandma and she figured it out right away. So much fun!

I went back to the doctor on the 14^th for additional blood work to make sure my numbers had at least doubled over the weekend. They were over 1,000, so things are looking good. 

Dell and I are going to the doctor on Monday the 21^st to make sure everything looks good and possibly listen for a heartbeat. I still can’t believe it. Maybe that will make it more real.

April 30, 2012

Today is my 30^th birthday. I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. Now I just have to wait and look forward to going back to the doctor.

April 20, 2012

I went back to the doctor today. I asked my sister to go with me for support and to make sure I understood everything the doctor said, what my options were, etc. He did the same exam as last time and I was much more prepared this time. I knew what to expect and I didn’t shake nonstop. He said he only found one fibroid and that it wasn’t that large and wasn’t a big concern to him. He stated I didn’t need surgery and that I should be okay to get pregnant as long as it doesn’t implant on the fibroid. 

“Wait, what?” I said. “Are you serious?” I asked. Yes, he was serious. 

Wow. What a difference a week makes. Last week I was feeling sad and at the end of my road and this week I have a renewed sense of hope and something to look forward to.

April 13, 2012

Friday the 13th turned out to be a terrible day for me. It started out very promising. The day before was such a fun day, in fact, that I was sure Friday was going to bring good news as well. It was not quite my third cycle day, but close enough and with the weekend coming up, we decided to schedule the appointment with the doctor for that afternoon. I went by myself. Won’t make that mistake again. 


So, the appointment starts out great and it’s time for my internal ultrasound. It’s me, a robe, a blanket, stirrups, a doctor, a nurse, a PA and the equipment. Ready, go. As he is looking around, he counted the follicles. Only 6 on one side and 4 on the other. Not good. A normal 29-year-old should have about 24 total and I only have ten, so he tells me he’s already worried about reserve. “Okay, we talked about this,” I think to myself. We’ll probably just need to move fast. Then, he sees the real problem. I have cysts on my ovaries. These are fibroids that he can see and they are attached. I don’t know what they are, but he tells me they aren’t good and he doesn’t like the location of them. He says he wants to do a test where he inserts a saline solution in to see how the flow is and where the placement is in comparison to the important stuff. The first saline test doesn’t work like he intended, so that’s concerning. 


The entire time this process is taking place, I have this nervous, worried energy that is causing my legs to shake uncontrollably. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. No matter what I did or thought about, to try and distract me, I couldn’t stop shaking. The nurse kept having to remind me to breathe…maybe I was in shock or just extremely uncomfortable. Either way, it wasn’t pleasant. They do another saline test and get the catheter right where they want it. After it’s over, the nurse lays down a huge pile of towels under me and says to stand up so that I can clean up. It’s embarrassing to be in that situation where you can’t control what’s happening and the mess running down your legs just reminds you of the mess you’re in. So I clean up and wait for the doctor to come back to talk to me more about what is happening. 


He draws a diagram of the different types of fibroids I have and where they are. He explains that the other three are not great, but we could work around them. Then, there’s the trouble maker fibroid that is messing everything up. He explains that I could get pregnant now, but that it would result in miscarriage after miscarriage, which is something I’m not interested in. He feels the best option is to remove the troublesome fibroid via surgery. He tells me the surgery is dangerous and very serious, but that it’s probably the best option at this point. 


I’m in shock. I thought he might say something more along the lines of “here are some hormones to take to help jump-start your system, some shots to regulate your cycle and please have sex at 4pm on Tuesday.” Something less along the lines of a dangerous surgery that could damage your uterus. Wait ... what just happened here? It didn’t seem real. I heard him give me a lot of information, but I’m not sure I was able to actively listen. I tried, but I also wanted to hold everything together and be strong. He’s so funny and we were just joking around 15 minutes
before this happened, so I wanted to save face. I want to stay strong and show him I’m not too weak to handle what he’s given me. So, I hold it together. In a daze, I walk down to the lab for blood work. Several vials of blood later and I’m out of there. 


Once I get in my car and make it out of the parking lot, that was it. I texted Dell “not good” and he called immediately. I explained everything to him and broke down. He assures me he will take care of me and we’ll get through this together. I tell my mom and sister and then head back to the office to finish up some work. It’s obvious I’ve been crying and I really need to go home. So, I finish a few things and then duck out an hour early. I cry on the way home out of nowhere and once I get home, I explain everything to my sister, who greeted me at the front door. She knows there’s nothing she can say or do to make it better, so she just hugs me and cries with me. She offers support in the best way. I hate that she had to go through infertility issues of her own for so many years, but I’m glad I have her to understand and empathize with me. I know there’s a reason we’re still living under their roof and I’m sure this has something to do with it. So, I thank God for that blessing.


She takes me to get our nails done and it’s a nice few hours of just getting out. Once home, I talked to Dell about it some more until it’s time for bed. I tell him that I feel like I don’t have a lot going for me right now. I don’t have as many follicles as I should have. I don’t have as big of follicles as I should have (mine are like 9mm and should be around 21mm, or something like that). I have cysts. I have irregular periods and cycles. Not a lot to report that’s good. 


It’s late now and he falls asleep first, then I go to the bathroom to cry again. I am sitting on the bathroom floor crying as quietly as I can into a towel. I am begging to please just let me get through this and have a baby. Over and over again, I repeat, “Please God, help me. I am scared and need comfort.” Once I feel that I am calm enough to go to bed without waking Dell, I crawl in next to him and watch television. If it’s quiet, I think and there’s not much for me to think about right now. So, I watch mindless television and hope I can fall asleep that way. That doesn’t work, so I turn the television off and just lay there. It’s well after 1 am and the quietness of the room allows my mind to wander again. This time, crying and begging “Please God. I just want to have a baby with this man that is lying next to me. I love him so much and I want to give him a child. Please help me.” That is the honest place of my heart. When I’m lying awake at night, that’s what I’m thinking. That is the desire of my heart. When the worry or anxiety creeps in, like it always seems to do, I find myself just saying the very simple statement “I want to make a baby with my husband.”


The next morning I wake up and see myself in the mirror. My eyes were almost entirely swollen shut. I told my sister I looked like a prized fighter. Now that I’m thinking about that statement, it seems fitting. I’m fighting this battle and I can’t give up.


The doctor wanted to get a better look at the problem fibroid, so the next appointment is next Friday. I’ve started a list of questions and am looking forward to getting some answers.